You abandoned me at 17, you just freaking left me. I hate you so much, I genuinely do, words will never be able to express the amount of pain you have caused me. I wish I could find you, but part of me is too afraid to even look. I know if I find you, I will be tempted to forgive you and that will just put myself in a place where you can hurt me like this all over again. I just don't understand it, I was always the person who was always on your side. I defended you!! I never threw you under the bus, I was always fighting for you, always taking your side, even when you had done awful things. You managed to completely ruin birthdays for me, I hate my birthday because it is the anniversary of the day that you called but never showed up. I've suffered so much heartbreak and so much betrayal in my life, but yours was the worst. I was a daddy's girl my entire life, I thought you were superman, how stupid right? Turns out you're just a man who's been battling a drug addiction for my entire life. All the times you abandoned me, every single time I forgave you and welcomed you home after a drug binge with open arms. I even gave you a chance this time, but you turned away. You not only abandoned me but three other kids. I want you to know that there is a nine year old boy who dropped out of boy scouts and baseball because it reminds him of you. That same nine year old boy refuses to leave the house on the weekends because the last time he talked to you, you promised to pick him up that weekend. He's so afraid that you will decide to come back and he's going to miss it. There is a twelve year old girl who is literally eating herself to death, she has high blood pressure AND cholesterol....she's only 12. They say she's trying to eat her problems away. There's also a twenty year old young woman who has already battled drug abuse and alcoholism, ALREADY. And then, there's me....I've been through years of counseling for emotional trauma associated with being abandoned by both parents, yes BOTH. I still cry on occasion, STILL....I still feel the heartbreak and the crushing loneliness. I get so mad at myself for not being able to let it go. I really hate you, I really do. All of the awful horrible things that you've said to me since you left, it's not even worth it. Yes, I am a part of you but that doesn't mean that I have to let you back into my life. Just think about that, when you finally straighten up I won't be here. I don't care how "sick" you are, you chose this, you chose the drugs over your family, not me. I didn't put the crack pipe in your hand, you chose to pick it up. So many holidays and birthdays pass year after year, it's starting to become the heartbreaking norm for you to be gone. Everyone still jumps when the phone rings, nervous that it is you calling because you remembered what day it is, but it's never you....it's always someone cheerful who doesn't understand the crushing heartbreak we feel answering the phone. You'll never understand, because well, you don't care to understand.
From,
Me
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