Words cannot even begin to describe how I feel about you, it's so confusing. Part of me wants to push you into oncoming traffic, but I know I would kill myself trying to save you. I care about you so much, I don't see why you won't give a relationship between us a chance. I know you have been hurt really bad in the past, I know you are really afraid, but I would never hurt you. I literally just want answers, I just want to know why not. I think it could be a really great thing for the both of us. I don't want to give up on you, but I can't stay in your life forever, not like this. I deserve to be loved. I can tell you really care about me, everyone can, everyone but you. I guess I just can't understand why you insist on being in relationships that could never possibly work...is it purposeful? It would be so easy for us, we're practically already together...it just works. We work, we always end up with one another, you even said that yourself. What is that? a coincidence? I think it is all too much to be a coincidence, every path leads me right to you, you always end up coming back to me. Why would you pass up a once in a lifetime opportunity like this? Why would you let something like this go? I'll probably never know, I'm so afraid of losing you that I'll never bring it up. I've spent the past five years wondering why I'm not good enough, wondering what the hell I can do to be good enough. I'm so sick of crying myself to sleep because of you. Am I not pretty enough? Sexy enough? Nice enough? What is it? Maybe I can change it. You'll never know how bad you hurt me, you'll never realize the complex you've given me. I never feel good enough for anything, ever...I try so hard. I've literally never worked for anything as hard as I've worked for you. I do all of this just for someone I'm not even with, actually someone who I've never even been in a relationship with. I've put more into this non-existent relationship than I have put into my real ones. How can you even doubt this? How can you doubt me? I really, really care about you, to the point that it physically hurts. The thought of you marrying someone else makes me sick, I know that is unbelievably selfish...it just kills me because we never even tried. You never even give me the chance, you selfish bastard. I hate you so much, but I can't seem to let you go. I just don't understand why I care so much about you. I think I have lost my mind, have I? Eh, it's not like you will actually read this. I can't help but hold onto the thought that this incredibly fucked up "relationship" may turn into something serious. Ugh, I don't even know anymore, I second guess you all the time. I just want you to be happy, I think I could potentially make you really happy, but if you can't accept that I guess it's your deal, not mine. You still have some serious maturing to do when it comes to relationships, I know that is ridiculous to say considering we are both adults and you are older than me. I'm at a point where I want a real relationship, no lies, no bullshit. I mean, it's not something I want immediately, but when it happens, I do want to embrace it. I just wish I could see the future so I could make a decision about you. I wish I could be like you and not feel like absolute shit for being selfish. That would be absolutely amazing. You are the king of mixed signals, it's absolutely ridiculous...I mean, you are all over me, super jealous of my relationships, you are always there for me when I need someone, we talk almost every single day, you call me darling and baby, we've been best friends for nearly 12 years, and yet sometimes, you're just so cold. I can't even describe how betrayed I feel by you sometimes. This sounds really creepy, but sometimes when I can't sleep, I will literally lay in bed and wonder what it would be like if we ever do decide we want to be together. They say if you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders. I've come to the conclusion that my mind always wanders back to you...and that isn't fair. My heart is stuck on you and your heart is stuck on anything with a vagina that will treat you like shit. I don't have it in me to treat you like shit, I can't do it, I care about you way too much. It's hard to be just someone's fuckbuddy for 5 years, especially when you've been practically best friends for 12 years. This is so emotionally hard on me, but I can't give up the sex. Not that I only like you for sex, but it's definitely worth going through some emotional turmoil. That's one thing we do agree on after trying to end things for the past two years. But, you did take my virginity five long years ago, you practically trained me to like sex with you, no complaints. BUT, I do think that is a pretty good reason for you to want to try a relationship with me, at least you know that the sex would be good. ;) Maybe one day you will find this letter and read it. I tell you all the time that I love you, and I really do mean it.
Love,
Me
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