To the man who occupies many of my thoughts and dreams

To the man I will probably be hopelessly in love with for the rest of my life,

I heard you were thinking about going back to your ex, you know the one who dumped you FOR A GIRL...you're an idiot. As your friend I will stand by you, even though you are dumb. She's just upset that her and her girlfriend broke up and she is using you as a rebound. She doesn't love you, I'm sorry...but she doesn't. You're going to get hurt, I don't want you to get hurt. BUT, I will keep my opinions to myself when you finally decide that you want to talk to me about it. Our situation is complicated, I can't express some opinions to you because you think that I am jealous. It's not that, I just know that tramp is going to hurt you...yeah, I said it; that TRAMP. I was here to pick up all the pieces of your broken heart the first two times so of course I will be here to do it all again. I wish I understood why you insist on being with girls who treat you like trash, especially when I'm right here and I have always done right by you. Why can't you see that we could possibly belong together?! WHYYYYY?! You deserve to be punched in the mouth, seriously...right in your mouth. But on the up side, I get to see you soon....it's been WAY too long since I've seen you last. Maybe this time will be magical, you know like prince falling in love with the fairy princess shit. It probably won't be like that though. I care about you so freaking much, like I just want to lock you in my closet and never let you out. Keep you all to myself, forever. OMG, that is so creepy, like teenage stalker girl creepy. You make me crazy, like legit crazy. I can't wait to kiss your face when I see you again, I'm gonna kiss your face and then kiss you all over. ;) I have got to stop hooking up with you, but I'm a grown woman and I have needs that only you can fulfill properly. I guess what I am trying to say is that I love you but I can't be in your life like this forever, it's damn near killing me.

Love,
Me

To the man who's sperm played a part in making me,

To my biological father,

You abandoned me at 17, you just freaking left me. I hate you so much, I genuinely do, words will never be able to express the amount of pain you have caused me. I wish I could find you, but part of me is too afraid to even look. I know if I find you, I will be tempted to forgive you and that will just put myself in a place where you can hurt me like this all over again. I just don't understand it, I was always the person who was always on your side. I defended you!! I never threw you under the bus, I was always fighting for you, always taking your side, even when you had done awful things. You managed to completely ruin birthdays for me, I hate my birthday because it is the anniversary of the day that you called but never showed up. I've suffered so much heartbreak and so much betrayal in my life, but yours was the worst. I was a daddy's girl my entire life, I thought you were superman, how stupid right? Turns out you're just a man who's been battling a drug addiction for my entire life. All the times you abandoned me, every single time I forgave you and welcomed you home after a drug binge with open arms. I even gave you a chance this time, but you turned away. You not only abandoned me but three other kids. I want you to know that there is a nine year old boy who dropped out of boy scouts and baseball because it reminds him of you. That same nine year old boy refuses to leave the house on the weekends because the last time he talked to you, you promised to pick him up that weekend. He's so afraid that you will decide to come back and he's going to miss it. There is a twelve year old girl who is literally eating herself to death, she has high blood pressure AND cholesterol....she's only 12. They say she's trying to eat her problems away. There's also a twenty year old young woman who has already battled drug abuse and alcoholism, ALREADY. And then, there's me....I've been through years of counseling for emotional trauma associated with being abandoned by both parents, yes BOTH. I still cry on occasion, STILL....I still feel the heartbreak and the crushing loneliness. I get so mad at myself for not being able to let it go. I really hate you, I really do. All of the awful horrible things that you've said to me since you left, it's not even worth it. Yes, I am a part of you but that doesn't mean that I have to let you back into my life. Just think about that, when you finally straighten up I won't be here. I don't care how "sick" you are, you chose this, you chose the drugs over your family, not me. I didn't put the crack pipe in your hand, you chose to pick it up. So many holidays and birthdays pass year after year, it's starting to become the heartbreaking norm for you to be gone. Everyone still jumps when the phone rings, nervous that it is you calling because you remembered what day it is, but it's never you....it's always someone cheerful who doesn't understand the crushing heartbreak we feel answering the phone. You'll never understand, because well, you don't care to understand.

From,
Me

The man who occupies many of my thoughts and dreams

To the man I will probably be hopelessly in love with for the rest of my life,

Words cannot even begin to describe how I feel about you, it's so confusing. Part of me wants to push you into oncoming traffic, but I know I would kill myself trying to save you. I care about you so much, I don't see why you won't give a relationship between us a chance. I know you have been hurt really bad in the past, I know you are really afraid, but I would never hurt you. I literally just want answers, I just want to know why not. I think it could be a really great thing for the both of us. I don't want to give up on you, but I can't stay in your life forever, not like this. I deserve to be loved. I can tell you really care about me, everyone can, everyone but you. I guess I just can't understand why you insist on being in relationships that could never possibly work...is it purposeful? It would be so easy for us, we're practically already together...it just works. We work, we always end up with one another, you even said that yourself. What is that? a coincidence? I think it is all too much to be a coincidence, every path leads me right to you, you always end up coming back to me. Why would you pass up a once in a lifetime opportunity like this? Why would you let something like this go? I'll probably never know, I'm so afraid of losing you that I'll never bring it up. I've spent the past five years wondering why I'm not good enough, wondering what the hell I can do to be good enough. I'm so sick of crying myself to sleep because of you. Am I not pretty enough? Sexy enough? Nice enough? What is it? Maybe I can change it. You'll never know how bad you hurt me, you'll never realize the complex you've given me. I never feel good enough for anything, ever...I try so hard. I've literally never worked for anything as hard as I've worked for you. I do all of this just for someone I'm not even with, actually someone who I've never even been in a relationship with. I've put more into this non-existent relationship than I have put into my real ones. How can you even doubt this? How can you doubt me? I really, really care about you, to the point that it physically hurts. The thought of you marrying someone else makes me sick, I know that is unbelievably selfish...it just kills me because we never even tried. You never even give me the chance, you selfish bastard. I hate you so much, but I can't seem to let you go. I just don't understand why I care so much about you. I think I have lost my mind, have I? Eh, it's not like you will actually read this. I can't help but hold onto the thought that this incredibly fucked up "relationship" may turn into something serious. Ugh, I don't even know anymore, I second guess you all the time. I just want you to be happy, I think I could potentially make you really happy, but if you can't accept that I guess it's your deal, not mine. You still have some serious maturing to do when it comes to relationships, I know that is ridiculous to say considering we are both adults and you are older than me. I'm at a point where I want a real relationship, no lies, no bullshit. I mean, it's not something I want immediately, but when it happens, I do want to embrace it. I just wish I could see the future so I could make a decision about you. I wish I could be like you and not feel like absolute shit for being selfish. That would be absolutely amazing. You are the king of mixed signals, it's absolutely ridiculous...I mean, you are all over me, super jealous of my relationships, you are always there for me when I need someone, we talk almost every single day, you call me darling and baby, we've been best friends for nearly 12 years, and yet sometimes, you're just so cold. I can't even describe how betrayed I feel by you sometimes. This sounds really creepy, but sometimes when I can't sleep, I will literally lay in bed and wonder what it would be like if we ever do decide we want to be together. They say if you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders. I've come to the conclusion that my mind always wanders back to you...and that isn't fair. My heart is stuck on you and your heart is stuck on anything with a vagina that will treat you like shit. I don't have it in me to treat you like shit, I can't do it, I care about you way too much. It's hard to be just someone's fuckbuddy for 5 years, especially when you've been practically best friends for 12 years. This is so emotionally hard on me, but I can't give up the sex. Not that I only like you for sex, but it's definitely worth going through some emotional turmoil. That's one thing we do agree on after trying to end things for the past two years. But, you did take my virginity five long years ago, you practically trained me to like sex with you, no complaints. BUT, I do think that is a pretty good reason for you to want to try a relationship with me, at least you know that the sex would be good. ;) Maybe one day you will find this letter and read it. I tell you all the time that I love you, and I really do mean it.

Love,
Me